I am BACK!

29 March 2020, 815am

Today is day 12 of the COVID-19 Movement Control Order. This day I decided to act on the long lingering intention to write again.  Writing has been an escape therapy for the emotional roller coaster in all phases of my life.  The last time I poured my heart out was March 2015 - that was 5 years ago and that is the age of my twins. It explains how motherhood has taken up my time. Thank you Allah, for the wonderful gift - Kasih Sofea and Firman Ukail. A true bundle of joy in our life.


I want to write about my personal experience. Honestly, I don't know at which juncture of my life that I should pick up. I need to realign my memories and understand myself again.  The last I did that was  6 years ago, that was the year I completed Ph.D., September 2014. I reported duty on 1 October 2014. The following year, 2015, was the magical year of motherhood and then, life has been like a non-stop speeding train, to and fro daily, to months and years at the same stations. I really need to dissect these years. Sofea and Ukail need to know and learn from their mommy and papa life story - it is too precious to be wasted (haha!)

This morning, I traced some dusty old files from my laptop and found some personal self-expressions from yesteryears. Wow...I sounded like a complicated mind


9 Mar 2012 : ARE YOU MARRIED

Are you married?

Yes, I am

How many children have you got?

Well, none at the moment

O..recently married?

Eight years

Next response would be one of the followings:

1) What a pity..eight years, no children??

2) Why..Having problem with your marriage?

3) Are you (your husband) infertile?

4) My so and so just got married three years ago, she/he already has 2 kids

5) Have you seen a doctor?

6) ........(awkward look)

7) Is your husband okay about this?

8) Oh.. (and walk away)

9) You mean, never got pregnant at all? Surely had miscarriage(s) right?

10) Family planning?

The general society believes that couples without offsprings equate to failure to obtain and sustain a happy marriage. This misunderstanding has not only caused unnecessary stress to the affected couples; which more often than not do contributes to the difficulty to conceive. With regards to the types of stress, it is induced internally and this refers to the relationship between the two individuals; and/ or externally which refers to the stress induced by the people around them. Both, internal and external stress depend on the level of expectations. Married couples are expected to produce offsprings for many reasons. 


10 Sep 2013: ABAH
When I was very young, I look up to you

In confidence, everything will be fine

As long as I clung tight to you

Darkness will eventually shine

When I was a teenager

I fell in love with you

You're my hero, my boyfriend, my lover 

Because I have you 

There was no space for other strangers

When I compete in public speaking, you were the best mentor

When I fought with friends at school, you were the wise counselor

When I didn't score the exams you were my strong motivator

And 

Whenever I screwed myself, you were always my ever willing guarantor

When I entered adulthood, 

you were on duty faaaaar away

I was so sad no words can say

Then Allah sent him, who seems to understand me like you do

I love him but not the same as how I love you 

When you said I can marry him and still have your love in my life

You made me the happiest girl alife

Today

I am still that little girl, inside 

No matter how scary life can be

When I hear your voice at the other end

I feel relieved...everything will be okay

A poem for Abah

*Little girl's first love*

Undated 2013: The Big Issue gentleman 

Every Tuesday regardless of rain or shine, this particular 'Big Issue' magazine gentleman never fails to appear in front of the BMA building, where my research center is located. His clothes are plain and shaggy. I never see him wearing other than long sleeves and black trousers. His hair is thin, short and curly in shades of grey which extends to the sideburns covering his jaw and chin. He stands and sometimes sits on a stool. On rainy days, he sits at the very same spot covered in a black raincoat. The only initiative he makes to sell the magazine is by saying  'The Big Issue' in a low monotone voice. He has no eye contact either, just a straight look ahead, but I am pretty sure he is not blind. His presence is so silent on the busy Travistok Place sidewalk. Thus, I never take heed to acknowledge him or purchase the £2.50 magazine. 

9 Mar 2015: LAZY

I don't want to do anything

Or talk to anyone

My appetite doesn't agree with everything

Feeling lazy and tired, tired, tired

I only want my Dunlop pillow..only that specific pillow

And sprawl over the entire king size bed from end to end

Counting by seconds before falling asleep

But falling asleep only come for a while!

Leaving me restless thinking of nothing interesting

Then it revisits, but just before dreamland is opened..it vanished!

How cruel...it's like grabbing lollipop off a hopeful kid 

I was ready to be taken somewhere beautiful! Take me, take me, take me there!

Ohh the distant sound of the waterfall and chirping birds...The cool breeze blowing the hair, lungs of fresh air

Perfect place to relax while sipping fresh coconut juice and enjoy the outdoor Bali massage..

Soothing the aching shoulder, down the spine to toes 

Pushing the stress out, out, out from my body and soul...Pufff into thin air!

Leaving me light, so light that I can tiptoe on the water, fly in the air, bounce to the sky and laugh, laugh, laugh

I want to go there now, immediately, this instant

Opium? Seriously??

4 Feb 2017

When GOD tested us with delayed parenthood, we decided to neither stop achieving our ambitions nor let the toxic words around us engulfed our confidence in HIM. We also decided to not put personal missions on hold until that perfect moment of 'having little ones come by'. Instead of piling up cash, we invested it in appreciating life to the fullest. We traveled near and far, make do our nest to as comfortable as it can to our expectation, read piles of interesting books, explored interesting places, learned new things and helped whoever whenever possible. Those years taught us to be at peace and willingly submit to the fate bestowed upon us. Those time and money were worthwhile invested. It knitted two tough hearts full of courage and strength to stay as one till this very moment. We pray to Allah for the knots to grow stronger each day.

Whenever people ask 'where did your money go'? the answer is 'we invested in appreciating life'. 

To all couples out there who are trying very hard to become parents, my words to you is 'be at peace' with what is tested upon us. Do not put yourself in unnecessary distress by pushing your limits to please others, let them judge you, let them talk behind your back... it's okay, let them be. Keep your head up, never let their heated words melt your courage, take care of your partner lovingly and redefine your happiness.