Making myself Private

Don't mention that it has been a long time. Yes, it has. I am visiting again after so many years for the private space in here. Writing..creative writing has always been something I enjoy most - more than reading and watching tally. I just wanted a space., a canvas to freely write what I have in mind. I find solace in this good old blog of mine. This space is like a private platform that allows me to vent without having to think 'what others may interprete'. I can be myself in here and it is so relaxing - I can feel ideas flowing easily. I have successfully deleted FB app from my phone for nearly 2 weeks now and Alhamdulillah my time management has improved. That thought spending 'a little bit more time' to reading something that sounds interesting or clicking on ads or merely scrolling has been a spiral disaster to my time. I thjank myself for doing what I did. 

Sptify podcast is my current addiction; in a good way really. Having the chance to listen to descriptions and teachings of matters of our interest is a blessing - Thank You Spotify! These are my favourites so far and highly recommend others to spend time listening to Muslim Central:

1) Enjoy Your Prayers series of 20+ episodes by Ustaz Ali Hammuda

2) The Live of Four Imams series also by Ustaz Ali Hammuda. 

Will find time to summarise the pearls inshaAllah.

I hold you while you sleep

From 10 Oct 2012


Why aren't you asleep my love
What is bothering your mind
Daily work will never be solved
Just close your eyes and let it unwind
The night is so quiet and lonely
We wish to be together side by side
To talk and listen to willingly
Or just to behold tight
The distance between us is so far
Yet our thoughts for each other is so near
It is difficult, so difficult to ignore this feeling
Undescribable, unexplained to others but we both know
Many times this situation is hard
We have come this far, so we should fight
It is your words that keep me to fight

Surviving 2nd year

From 21 Sept 2012

Autumn is on its way. The day gets chiller that I had to take out a thicker jacket from the old suitcase. These are the last 40 days of my second year. Oh my, how time has flown. The moment I think about my family, I want to fast forward and leap to end of next year where I am supposed to complete my course. But when the amount of papers required to list down the 'undone tasks' is more than anticipated, I freak out and want to pause time. How funny it seems when we desire two opposite options at once depending on the bubble of our circumstances. When the dawn of the final year is approaching, the mind game gets tougher. This game has no standard rules and regulations. Victory is measured by the scale of the will power and determination.

Throughout the last 2 two years, I have had a wonderfully exciting experience. I also have images of myself representing the situations that I have gone through. For example, an image of myself

Survivng the 2nd year of PhD

Found in draft from 17 Oct 2013

In less than 2 weeks time, the door to the 3rd phase of PhD will be open. It has been 24 months Alhamdulillah; which means another 12 months before the scholarship ends! The journey has been amazing. It has been filled with many challenges, many new friends, a few achievments, loads of personal experience and self satisfaction. I am looking forward for many more to come but the ones I worry most  are the future challenges.

Back to the topic of discussion, how to survive 2nd year? Honestly, I have no smart answer because to me year 2 runs out so fast! I felt like it just started and now it is approaching the end. My 2nd year has been a full year of data collection, data collection and data collection. In between data collection, there were many times I felt confused with my research and wished to start all over again with something totally new. Towards the end of year 2 when I have some data to play with, the fear of interpretation just gets worst and...when I think of deadlines, I wish to shout STOPPPPP and pause the present! At times like this, I think of what my brother, Tarmizi used to say to me during college days 'Expect the worst but hope for the best' - because I used to be obsessed with perfection in my work and got easily agitated when things did not work out as how I planned. Tarmizi calmed me down by saying those words; he is three years younger than I but matured enough to handle his eldest sister. As I entered working life, I learned that being a perfectionist can lead to self destruction - two men taught me this, my dad and Mr Wong Kok Thong, my first boss. So I guess, what helped me survived year 2 was (1) expect the worst while hoping for the best, (2) less of perfection but more of precision and (3) calm down overcome the fear.

Expect the worst but hope for the best

Tool: PhD gantt chart - adjust from monthly to weekly interval

Scenario: More work, More frustrations, Less time (for both, students and supervisors)

If you happen to read the entries on 1st year PhD survival, there was a point I eloborated about expecting the unexpected. I must say this is one of the best advice for PhD students. In one of those series, I also explained about the importance of the PhD gantt chart, and that is too a very important tool in year 2. In year 1, the mile stones were in a monthly interval. That was mainly because longer time was required to accomplish the tasks in year 1 for example - writing a research proposal, doing literature reviews and preparing PhD upgrade report. However, as I approached the 2nd half of year 2, my academic supervisor's advice was to adjust the gantt chart from monthly to weekly interval and this is also related to the urgency of the tasks in year 2 (everything must be done correctly fast, fast, fast in order to follow the timeline!!!) At this point, it is no surprise that the matters we least worry about can the be a major hindrance to our progress.  For example, in my case, the ethical approval for the second project expected in August was dragged all the way to November and therefore, the study will only be initiated in January 2013 instead of September 2012! The effect of a weekly target gantt chart is amazing! It helped me to handle the worst case scenario better, and what was more important, it helped me to give descent time for my supervisors to look into the matter for an exit :)

Less of perfection but more of precision

Tool: PhD journal

Scenario: Same mistakes can not be repeated more than once!

Have a journal and use it to the fullest. In year 2, we go through a high speed of thinking process. Our idea evolved so rapid that there will be many times we doubt our understanding of our very own research. Perfection comes with practice but in PhD we do not have the luxury of time, therefore recording the mistakes that we encounter will be very helpful especially when it comes to writing the final thesis. I learned this from my supervisor Dr YJ - there was once in a supervision meeting that took place 4 months after my first year viva, I asked YJ a question about the research method. She took out her journal and turned to a page full of notes on what my viva examiner commented on that matter! She also kept track on the changes I made to the method - how I wish to photocopythat particular page of her journal! Another example, my data collection form was reformatted 8 times (without changing the original content as approved by the ethics committee). Along with the reformatting, the operational definition for the terminologies used in the form were also changed and improved - all these changes will give a major impact on data interpretation. However, if these changes were not consistently recorded, it would be near impossible for me to explain the development of idea in the thesis (after many-many months!)

And another important thing to share, Do Not keep DATA ENTRY to the end. Do it as you collect them, because we will encounter several trials and error along the way. It is best to learn the mistakes at an early phase rather than later.  

Calm down overcome the fear

Tool: Special skill courses; Present your work

Scenario: Is my work worth doing? Who will be interetsed in my work? OMG!!! How do I do this?

No, it is never too late, please find time to attend the special skill courses and make a point to share your work. No matter how busy we may be in year 2, do not neglect to reflect what courses should we attend to equip ourselves - for me the biostatistics courses and workshops related to my research area. We tend to be in isolation in year 2, and sometimes we are too busy to update ourselves on recent publications. Attebnding courses and seminars (conferences and etc)  is a fun way of being abreast of the knowledge developement and make connection with other researchers. I would also recommend (if possible) to share your preliminary results - this will keep our confidence up and expose ourself to the many kinds of critical questions about our research.

3rd YEAR PhD Survival

Delayed posting from 2013


In two months time,  I will be in the end of third year. By right, thesis should have already been submitted, and the final viva should be taking place in 4-6 weeks. Then, do corrections, final submission and fly home. Ting! Time over - just nice, scholarship ends and I can live happily ever after. 

In reality, it is like living in a moving roller coaster right now. I am still data collecting and simultaneously writing up, analysing data, finishing up papers for publication and trying to stay calm against the ticking clock. The clock seems to be ticking faster than ever! I find it impossible to wrap everything in two months. But Alhamdulillah, if there is a will, there'll always be not only 1 but many ways. But first I must admit that in the very beginning I was devastated, worried and stressed because I realised that I was running against time, and there was nothing in my control that could change the situation. Being a perfectionist, I tend to be over sensitive to circumstances that do not happened the way I wanted. I had moments of difficult times that slowed down my productivity. In one of the meeting during that period, my supervisor mentioned that I utilised 80% of my time worrying and only 20% working on the main tasks. I ate more than the usual and that rang a bell...I was not in a healthy state - body, soul and mind because I naturally eat, eat and eat as an escape mechanism. Phone bills went up because I spend more hours talking to my family for comfort. Their support were amazing. Other than my parent, I owe a lot  to my husband. Not forgetting my friends here in London and my sister's in law family in the UK, I am grateful to surrounded by positive thinkers. 

Looking back at those difficult times, I wish I had known how to handle the situation effectively and this is what I would like to share in this entry. I will start with the trigger factor that made me realised 36 months not sufficient then the options I had and finally what option I chose. 

The Trigger Factor

The Gantt Chart. In previous entries about PhD survival I mentioned the importance of this tool and again here I emphasize that this is an IMPORTANT tool. I made a point to revise my Gantt chart every 6 months and have it discussed with the supervisors. As long as the plan looks realistic and practical, my SVs would agree. The hurdle started at the end of my second year when we learned that the ethical approval for my final project is taking longer than we anticipated - 6 months longer! My second project is a randomized control trial targeting 160 participants and thus, 6 months delay is a significant loss of time. The approval was obtained at month 28, that was 8 months before the original thesis submission date. No matter how optimistic I tried to be, in reality, I knew it would be a tough one. 

Options

Rather than falling into 'depression' worrying and slowing down my progress, I should have just accepted the fact that there is a 50-50 percent chance of hitting the jackpot in 8 months. What happened was, I duelled too much into emotion. It wasn't the academic stress but I guess I became exhausted from the far-distance marriage relationship (in Malay is PJJ = Perkahwinan Jarak Jauh). 

Sometimes, I find it difficult to think right because I am overwhelmed with everything.

Well, well, well...survived 1st and 2nd year. Now the real beast has arrived...3rd YEAR!!! (Sempat ke ni...Huwaaaa..nak balik, nak balik!)

Beza 8 jam

Latar belakang: Sofea dan Ukail adalah pasangan bahagia yang terpisah antara dua benua. Kebahagiaan Sofea dan Ukail adalah dambaan setiap pasangan yang bercinta, bermula di kampusdan berakhir ke jinjang pelamin. Kebahagiaan itu terus mekar dan masih bertahan walaupun ramai yang menjeling keraguan kerana mereka belum dikurniakan cahaya mata.

KL Mac 2010

Yesss! I did it! I finally diiiiiid it! Well done me..pat, pat, pat on the head. 

Sofea grinned with satisfaction; her big smile showed it all and she could hear every single beat of her pounding heart. Inhale...hold..hold..exhale... Got to avoid excessive serotonin girl, don't let loose, control babe..control. 

 Sudah lama Sofea mengimpikan peluang melanjutkan pengajian di UK. Hebat sangatkah dapat menapak di bumi Inggeris? Tak...bukannya hebat berjaya sampai ke Great Britain. Lagipun ini bukanlah pertama kali Sofea ke sana. Bezanya kali ini ialah, keberadaannya di UK bukan sebagai pelancong tetapi sebagai pelajar PhD yang ditanggung oleh kutipan cukai rakyat Malaysia. Bezanya lagi ialah, iringan mama, papa dan Ukail terhenti di Departure Hall KLIA.  Sofea fixed her eyes to the white clouds by the window. 'I am extremely happy but this is only the beginning of a winding journey" bisik hatinya. 

'Huband...I am willing to defer this offer if you have any slight doubt in letting me go'

'It is a promised I made to you. Pergilah sayang, 3 tahun bukan lama. London bukan jauh manapun. Beza 8 lam jer' Ukail berseloroh.

LONDON 5 Disember 2011

Bau kafien yang semerbak menyelubungi seluruh kamar tidur. Sofea mencapai iphone untuk entah yang ke berapa kali dan mendail nombor Ukail lagi, lagi dan lagi… tanpa jaya.

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Tanpa putus asa, dibuka pula facebook dan instagram…berulang-ulang kali Sofea melakukan perkara yang sama semenjak 2 jam yang lalu….semuanya sunyi tanpa berita dari Ukail.

Whatsapp

9.00pm: ‘Abang, busy ke. Im ready whenever youre ready’

9.15pm: ‘skype?’

10.00pm: ‘Hello, hello Mister Husband…are you purposely making me wait because it’s tonight??’

10.20pm: ‘Heyyyy…it’s snowing!!!!!!! Wish u r here’

11.00: ‘Adik dah ngantuk ni’

11.10pm:‘Where are you, is everything ok?’

Sofea menekap muka ke bantal sambil menahan hati yang meronta-ronta untuk menjerit sekuat-kuatnya! Resah!

Semenjak terpaksa berjauhan dari 3 bulan yang lalu, sudah menjadi suatu kemestian untuk mereka saling menghubungi pada jam 9 malam waktu London. Walau hanya sekadar sebaris pesanan ringkas, ianya sudah memadai untuk mengubati kerinduan. Jika keadaan mengizinkan, facetime atau skype lah yang menjadi pilihan utama.  Sedari awal pagi lagi Sofea menantikan saat ini. Tidak sabar rasanya untuk mendengar suara Ukail mengucapkan ‘Happy Anniversary Sayang!’ sepertimana kebiasaanya pada tahun-tahun yang lalu. Hari ini genaplah 7 tahun usia perkahwinan Sofea dan Ukail. 7 tahun yang bahagia. ‘Are we really happy?’ bisik hatinya. Ishhh! Tiba-tiba pulak si syaitan menghembuskan keraguan. Sofea menarik hela panjang sambil mendongak dan merenung siling. Fikirannya melayang ke suatu petang, seminggu sebelum bertolak ke London dimana sahabatnya Azura berbicara mengenai keretakkan rumahtangga.

 ‘Statistic says…First wave starts in year 3 and second wave in year 5. Tahun ke-7 ramai yang crack under pressure and go separate ways’. Azura sambung lagi,  ‘If the couple survive sampai year 10, that’s a milestone achievement to celebrate’ . ‘Ye ke?’ Tanya Sofea dengan nada keraguan. Cepat-cepat dihirupnya teh ais yang sudah mencair. Jika boleh ingin dipekak kan saja telinga daripada terus mendengar celoteh Azura. Sofea tidak mahu kata-kata Azura memahat spekulasi dan teori dalam benak fikiran apatah lagi disaat-saat akhir keberangkatannya ke UK tanpa Ukail. Bagi Sofea, perancangan Tuhan adalah sebaik-baik perancangan.

Di dalam selimut malam ini, fikirannya terus menyelak helaian memori untuk mencari, sekiranya ada, petanda-petanda keretakkan dalam mahligai yang dibina bersama Ukail. Jika adapun hanya satu, iaitu belum tibanya rezeki zuriat dari ilahi. Tetapi perkara itu tidak pernah menjadi punca perselisihan perasaan atau pendapat antara mereka, malah ianya faktor yang mengeratkan lagi hubungan mereka berdua. Kata-kata Ukail yang sentiasa segar dalam ingatan Sofea ialah ‘Allah tidak menjanjikan setiap pasangan yang berkahwin akan dikurniakan anak. As long as we have each other, we are happy…I am happy!’.

Salakan anjing di laman jiran menyedarkan Sofea dari lamunan. Sofea memerhati sekeliling kamar yang dihuni. Segalanya bertemakan Inggeris – perabot dan dinding semuanya putih kecuali pintu, bingkai katil dan bingkai tingkap yang berwarna oak. Lantai berkarpet maroon. Langsir krim dihiasi ros kuning melengkapi tema keseluruhannya. Walaupun ruang tidaklah besar pun, tetapi kombinasi warna pilihan tuan rumah memberi ilusi lapang. Sofea turun dari katil untuk mencapai coffee maker yang terletak diatas meja baca yang berselerak dengan bahan bacaan. Sambil duduk di meja baca menghadap tingkap, dihirupnya sisa Americano yang terakhir dan cawannya digenggam erat untuk mengambil haba dari isinya yang panas. Malam kelihatan cerah dari pancaran warna salji yang menyelimuti tanah. Setiap kepingan salji yang melekat di kaca tingkap diamati untuk  melihat corak geometri yang menyerupai origami. Ajaib sungguh ciptaan Allah.

Suhu luar yang mencecah 4C meresap ke kamar dan dinginnya mula dirasai. Malam indah yang sejuk…sunyi… sepi… mengundang rindu yang mendalam. Jam di dinding sudah menghampiri 12 malam. Sekali lagi Sofea cuba menghubungi Ukail.

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Arghhh! Perasaan marah membuak-buak sehinggakan dapat dirasai jantungnya berdegup kencang. Pada masa yang sama juga, kemarahan itu bertukar kepada kekecewaan dan kemudiannya kesedihan yang bercampur baur tanpa sempadan. Kesan 2 gelas Americano menambahkan lagi tahap anxiety yang dialami. Setelah 2 jam bertahan, akhirnya Sofea akur bahawa menangis pada saat-saat sebegini ada baiknya. Setiap refleks nafas sendu mengurangkan sesak di dada. Sofea bergerak ke katil disuluh terang bulan yang menyelinap diantara langsir. Mata bengkak yang kelesuan tidak perlu dipaksa lagi. Pesanan WA terakhir dihantar sebelum terlena:

Whatsapp:

11.58pm: ‘Abang, Happy 7^th Anniversary to us. Sorry adik dah ngantuk. Sampai hati tak call. It’s snowing outside, and the night is extremely cold. Miss u love u, gudnite. XOXO’

Subuh jam 2 pagi di musim sejuk. Sofea memaksa diri melangkah keluar dari selimut yang hangat, mengharungi suhu bilik yang sejuk. Ishhh, ikutkan hati tak kuasa nak bangun. Terasa mata yang sepet - bengkak kurang tidur dan kesan melepaskan perasaan. Dicapainya telefon bimbit...mesti abang dah reply...owh, tak reply pun. Ye kecewa dan hati celaru bersambung lagi. Sofea mengheret kaki ke bilik air untuk berwudhuk. Brrrrrr air paip mcm air batu!  Laaa, lupa menghidupkan swis pemanas air. Seusai solat, Sofea meletakkan hati berdoa yang sebaiknya untuk Allah mengurniakan ketenangan. Itulah rahsia kewarasan manusia. Hanya mereka yang bersyukur dan berserah bisa megecapi ketenangan. 'Ya Allah, tenangkanlah hatiku dalam menyempurnakan pengajian, ketenangkanlah hati kami suami isteri dalam kejauhan dan Ya Allah, tenangkanlah kematian kami bila tiba waktu kami kemabli kepada Mu'.  

3PM:  Sofea melangkah longlai keluar dari Bond Street Tube Station. Perbincangan dengan Professor David mengenai halangan dalam kajian yang sedang dijalankan masih menghantui benak fikirannya. Kesibukkan dan haruk pikuk sempena jualan perayaan natal di Bond Street tidak dapat menghilangkan kesunyian di hatinya. Ukail masih membisu. Sambil berdiri di pertengahan jalan...kaku, dibiarkan sahaja bahunya dilanggar  pejalan kaki yang bergerak mengikut dan melawan arus. Pandangannya kosong, fikirannya berserabut dan hatinya meronta untuk terbang ke pangkuan Ukail. 'God...I wanna fly home nowww'. Disaat inilah Sofea mengimpikan kuasa teleport. 

KL 5 Disember 2011

11PM: Ukail menekan tombol pintu dan melangkah masuk ke dalam rumah yang gelap. Sambil mengheret hand luggage, tangannya mencapai swis di belakang pintu utama. 'Tick' swis candeliar ruang tamu dipetik. Dalam sekelip mata ruang yang gelap gelita bertukar terang benderang tetapi semangatnya masih tetap gelap. Kepenatan pekerjaan dan penerbangan dari Sabah makin terasa. 

'Abaaaannngggg...youre home Yeay!' Terasa kehangatan pelukan  dan kucupan Sofea.  Teringiang-ngiang suara manjanya. Manakan tidak, 7 tahun lamanya Ukail berkongsi hidup dengan wanita bernama Sofea. Bahkan setiap sudut dalam rumah yang terang dan sunyi ini terpahat bayangan dan senyuman Sofea. 'Damn it! I miss you' bisik Ukail. Berapa lamakah lagi??  Ukail terus naik ke kamar beradu, ye, gelap dan kosong juga. Malah meja solek juga terususan kemas pun 2 inci telbal debunya yang tidak disentuh semenjak Sofea bercuti 5 bulan lalu. Ukail menghempas badan ke katil yang dingin. Matanya terasa sangat berat dan hanya bantal yang diimpikan. Sebaik sahaja mata melayu ...'Ya Allah sungguh aku lupa, harini anniversay ke 8' fikiriannya terus melayang kepada Sofea di benua seberang tetapi tidak terdaya lagi untuk bangun apatah membuka mesej WA yang Ukail sangat pasti berjela daripada Sofea. Ukail masih teringat hari ini setahun lalu.

'Mr Husband... Happy 7th Anniversary! Shouldn't you be taking your wife out to celebrate...?' Sofea menerjah ke sofa di ruang tv dan bersandar manja ke bahu suaminya. Ukail yang sedang asyik menonton sekadar menjeling kerana terjahan Sofea menyelindungi pandangannya ke skrin tv. 

'Abang lupa eh...malam ni?'

Tiada respons.

'Hellooooo...Mr Husband, your wife is asking something'. Bahu Ukail dicubit.

'Aduh!' Ukail melabuhkan tangannya ke bahu Sofea. 

'Anniversary ni sekadar tarikh saja. Cukuplah kita mengingati tujuan utama kita bernikah dan betulkan niat itu setiap tahun' Ukail cuba memujuk.

'Alaa Abang nih, alasan malas celebrate macammacam alasan' rajuk Sofea

'Bukan malas... tapi tak perlu pun sebenarnya ikut-ikut sangat budaya mat salleh tu. As long as we have each other and together' pujuk Ukail. Dibelai rambut isterinya untuk menangkan rajuk. Ukail memang kenal sangat pe-el isterinya. Sebenarnya hadiah ada pun dalam almari, saja dibiarkan Sofea menunggu, kata nak surprise! 

I am BACK!

29 March 2020, 815am

Today is day 12 of the COVID-19 Movement Control Order. This day I decided to act on the long lingering intention to write again.  Writing has been an escape therapy for the emotional roller coaster in all phases of my life.  The last time I poured my heart out was March 2015 - that was 5 years ago and that is the age of my twins. It explains how motherhood has taken up my time. Thank you Allah, for the wonderful gift - Kasih Sofea and Firman Ukail. A true bundle of joy in our life.


I want to write about my personal experience. Honestly, I don't know at which juncture of my life that I should pick up. I need to realign my memories and understand myself again.  The last I did that was  6 years ago, that was the year I completed Ph.D., September 2014. I reported duty on 1 October 2014. The following year, 2015, was the magical year of motherhood and then, life has been like a non-stop speeding train, to and fro daily, to months and years at the same stations. I really need to dissect these years. Sofea and Ukail need to know and learn from their mommy and papa life story - it is too precious to be wasted (haha!)

This morning, I traced some dusty old files from my laptop and found some personal self-expressions from yesteryears. Wow...I sounded like a complicated mind


9 Mar 2012 : ARE YOU MARRIED

Are you married?

Yes, I am

How many children have you got?

Well, none at the moment

O..recently married?

Eight years

Next response would be one of the followings:

1) What a pity..eight years, no children??

2) Why..Having problem with your marriage?

3) Are you (your husband) infertile?

4) My so and so just got married three years ago, she/he already has 2 kids

5) Have you seen a doctor?

6) ........(awkward look)

7) Is your husband okay about this?

8) Oh.. (and walk away)

9) You mean, never got pregnant at all? Surely had miscarriage(s) right?

10) Family planning?

The general society believes that couples without offsprings equate to failure to obtain and sustain a happy marriage. This misunderstanding has not only caused unnecessary stress to the affected couples; which more often than not do contributes to the difficulty to conceive. With regards to the types of stress, it is induced internally and this refers to the relationship between the two individuals; and/ or externally which refers to the stress induced by the people around them. Both, internal and external stress depend on the level of expectations. Married couples are expected to produce offsprings for many reasons. 


10 Sep 2013: ABAH
When I was very young, I look up to you

In confidence, everything will be fine

As long as I clung tight to you

Darkness will eventually shine

When I was a teenager

I fell in love with you

You're my hero, my boyfriend, my lover 

Because I have you 

There was no space for other strangers

When I compete in public speaking, you were the best mentor

When I fought with friends at school, you were the wise counselor

When I didn't score the exams you were my strong motivator

And 

Whenever I screwed myself, you were always my ever willing guarantor

When I entered adulthood, 

you were on duty faaaaar away

I was so sad no words can say

Then Allah sent him, who seems to understand me like you do

I love him but not the same as how I love you 

When you said I can marry him and still have your love in my life

You made me the happiest girl alife

Today

I am still that little girl, inside 

No matter how scary life can be

When I hear your voice at the other end

I feel relieved...everything will be okay

A poem for Abah

*Little girl's first love*

Undated 2013: The Big Issue gentleman 

Every Tuesday regardless of rain or shine, this particular 'Big Issue' magazine gentleman never fails to appear in front of the BMA building, where my research center is located. His clothes are plain and shaggy. I never see him wearing other than long sleeves and black trousers. His hair is thin, short and curly in shades of grey which extends to the sideburns covering his jaw and chin. He stands and sometimes sits on a stool. On rainy days, he sits at the very same spot covered in a black raincoat. The only initiative he makes to sell the magazine is by saying  'The Big Issue' in a low monotone voice. He has no eye contact either, just a straight look ahead, but I am pretty sure he is not blind. His presence is so silent on the busy Travistok Place sidewalk. Thus, I never take heed to acknowledge him or purchase the £2.50 magazine. 

9 Mar 2015: LAZY

I don't want to do anything

Or talk to anyone

My appetite doesn't agree with everything

Feeling lazy and tired, tired, tired

I only want my Dunlop pillow..only that specific pillow

And sprawl over the entire king size bed from end to end

Counting by seconds before falling asleep

But falling asleep only come for a while!

Leaving me restless thinking of nothing interesting

Then it revisits, but just before dreamland is opened..it vanished!

How cruel...it's like grabbing lollipop off a hopeful kid 

I was ready to be taken somewhere beautiful! Take me, take me, take me there!

Ohh the distant sound of the waterfall and chirping birds...The cool breeze blowing the hair, lungs of fresh air

Perfect place to relax while sipping fresh coconut juice and enjoy the outdoor Bali massage..

Soothing the aching shoulder, down the spine to toes 

Pushing the stress out, out, out from my body and soul...Pufff into thin air!

Leaving me light, so light that I can tiptoe on the water, fly in the air, bounce to the sky and laugh, laugh, laugh

I want to go there now, immediately, this instant

Opium? Seriously??

4 Feb 2017

When GOD tested us with delayed parenthood, we decided to neither stop achieving our ambitions nor let the toxic words around us engulfed our confidence in HIM. We also decided to not put personal missions on hold until that perfect moment of 'having little ones come by'. Instead of piling up cash, we invested it in appreciating life to the fullest. We traveled near and far, make do our nest to as comfortable as it can to our expectation, read piles of interesting books, explored interesting places, learned new things and helped whoever whenever possible. Those years taught us to be at peace and willingly submit to the fate bestowed upon us. Those time and money were worthwhile invested. It knitted two tough hearts full of courage and strength to stay as one till this very moment. We pray to Allah for the knots to grow stronger each day.

Whenever people ask 'where did your money go'? the answer is 'we invested in appreciating life'. 

To all couples out there who are trying very hard to become parents, my words to you is 'be at peace' with what is tested upon us. Do not put yourself in unnecessary distress by pushing your limits to please others, let them judge you, let them talk behind your back... it's okay, let them be. Keep your head up, never let their heated words melt your courage, take care of your partner lovingly and redefine your happiness. 

Tantrum Me

I don't want to do anything

Or talk to anyone

My appetite doesn't agree with everything

Feeling lazy and tired, tired, tired

I only want my dunlop pillow..only that specific pillow

And sprawl over the entire king size bed from end to end

Counting by seconds before falling asleep

But falling asleep only come for awhile!

Leaving me restless thinking of nothing interesting

Then it revisit, but just before dreamland is opened..it vanished!

How cruel...it's like grabbing lollipop off a hopeful kid 

I was ready to be taken somewhere beautiful! Take me, take me, take me there!

Ohh the distant sound of the water fall and chirping birds...Cool breeze blowing the hair, lungs of fresh air

Perfect place to relax while sipping fresh coconut juice and enjoy the outdoor bali massage..

Soothing the aching shoulder, down the spine to toes 

Pushing the stress out, out, out from my body and soul...Pufff into thin air!

Leaving me light, so light that I can tiptoe on the water, fly in the air, bounce to the sky and laugh, laugh, laugh

I want to go there now, immediately, this instant

Opium? Seriously??

The mind needs honesty

Last February, I signed up for a 1-month gym membership and diligently worked-out at least 3 times a week with strict diet control. There were times I had to force my self to the gym because a minimum of 10 sessions were required to make the 1-month membership worth of value. So, I pre-booked evening dancing or aerobic classes a week in advance (I am useless in using the treadmill or any machines - 10 minutes max is my personal record so far). 

In order to motivate myself, I bought a pair of pink and grey coloured Nike trainers and track bottom. Thanks to the extended New Year sales at Sports Direct. I also managed to rope in a group of friends   into playing badminton during weekends - Farah, Faten and Era. One evening after school, out of excitement, Era and myself hopped on the bus to Lily White in Piccadilly Circus to buy badminton rackets. Era got even more excited to see Lee Chong Wei printed on Yonex packaging. Most of the 'nice to hold' Yonex rackets were more expensive (>£30) than others and the cheaper ones were 'double rimmed'. There was Cartlon on offer for £5.99! What an excellent deal we thought, before realising they were for kids. After such a fuss on selecting the 'best' racket we settled for Cartlon, single rim, £9.99 after discount from £20. There were two colours available. I chose pink (to suit my new trainers and track bottom) and Era chose blue (because there was no other choice hehe).

I remembered being constantly hungry during that month but felt 'light' and healthy. Despite of the stress in finishing the 'seemed- to be-never-ending thesis', I managed to have control over my body and mind without having to bother my parent or husband with long distance phone calls in the odd hours. However, there were many days when my mind and body disagreed with each other. Those were days I breached the diet by having KFC, brownies and lasagne with extra cheese!  On the days my head felt heavy from 'thinking', I skipped the dancing classes and headed straight  home for bed. 

After much hesitant since January, I finally have the courage to step on the weighing scale. By the end of February, the scale didn't show the number that I expected it to be. I was a bit disappointed even though my jeans got a bit loose and I could fit in the few old shirts. My friends said "Jeans are more truthful than the scale", but I wanted something measurable, something that I can compare objectively. I didn't renew the gym membership for the following month as I wouldn't be able to commit in the first 2 weeks of March. My other half will be visiting during that 2 weeks and we had exciting plans (which of course, did not include visiting the gym). 

This time around, my husband, Nasrul, came with a mission to visit all Malaysian restaurants in London. I am familiar with 5 and he wanted to try at least one meal (preferably Nasi Lemak) at all of them, including the Malaysia Hall canteen. So, in total 6 venues! 

- Melur 

- Pak Awie 

- Tuk Din

- Bonda

- Rasa Sayang

- Malaysian Hall canteen

Our planned trip outside London occupied only 4 out of his 14-day stay, meaning that visits to all restaurants would have to be within the remaining 10 days. One month of strict diet made me look forward for 'real food'. I fancied Nasi Lemak, Char Kuey Tiow, Ho Fan Noodle, Kari Laksa, Roti Canai and The Tarik Kaw. I have always wanted to have these dishes but time was a imitating factor (and didn't want to ruin the diet control back then). Now that I have a loyal partner to drag me along (yes, he would actually drag me and insist I order a meal for myself with no excuses), my head started to calculate the total calorie I would have to endure. 

On our 'home meal' days, I cooked simple meal and he would give marks. For the best meal, he would give 9/10 and the less ones at least 6. Being a perfectionist I demanded a 10 for all meals! We always argued on the marks. I spontaneously listed out the hard core reasons why the marks should be higher and his rebuttal was - the mark couldn't be 10 because the remaining balance will be used to top up the next low mark. Pffttt! Nevertheless no matter what the marks were, there were seldom any left overs. We went outing with the slightest excuse to visit friends, spend hours in book stores, walk around the city and stop at coffee shops. Every outing had a sort of competition between us on who would first reached the next lamp post, touched the bonnet of a random car parked by the side way or reached the traffic light. I took these competions seriously and would sprint my heart out to be the first. I took the liberty to set random rules like 'ladies can start a few steps earlier' or 'men would have to take a few steps back' or 'men would have to carry all bags'. Having all the bias rules, there were not a time that I didn't end second place. 

Despite of 2 weeks of happy eating the weighing scale showed lower number!  I am aware that 2 weeks is so short of time to determine weight loss but still, I shut down the calorie calculator in my brain and happily ate full course and (sometimes) desserts too. Could it be the delayed effect of the 1-month gym and diet control? Or this is the result of being honest to both, my mind and body in the last 2 weeks. I was purely happy in all sense. I laughed, ate, ran, slept well, subconsciously exercising through sprinting competitions and felt happy. Every time the calorie calculator appeared in the ballooning cloud above my head, I imagined poking it with a sharp needle and 'pop' it was gone.

Perhaps, just perhaps…being a gym-and-calorie counter freak was useless. Refraining from enjoying delicious deep fried, chocolatey delicacies and attended gym classes halfway realising that  I was too exhausted to make another move were acts of dishonesty of the mind. I demanded too much from my own mind that it could have switched off its ability to consent. My body was unwillingly working with an exhausted mind. Even a burning desire is not strong enough to act with a unhappy mind. It may work vice versa because the mind is the human's most powerful tool, it can influence the body to shake off the coated laziness and focus on the core. It was the mind that wanted the chocolate cakes, not wanting to go to the gym and went to unstable emotion. I was dishonest to my own mind by denying or not acknowledging the things that would make it happy. 

There is a very thin line distinguishing the control of the mind, lust and desire  in making decisions. The majority of the XX species would agree that the lines are 10 times more difficult to be distinguished in shopping missions. At a serious note, I should focus on keeping the mind healthy which will naturally lead to spiritual and physical health. Forget the scale and the invisible calorie calculator. Control the mind - work smartly, think critically, eat deliciously and live healthily.

Trip to Switzerland from London

The three of us heard so much of Swiss land - the sophisticated Swiss watches, Swiss chocolates and the majestic scenery of the Swiss alps and mountains. We wanted to see as much as possible with lowest cost without compromising too much of comforts. This is a summary of a 5-day trip to Switzerland in early January 2014 which included Geneva (6th-8th) and Zurich (8th-11th). The cost and activities may differ when travelling in different season of the year. 

Getting ready

Accommodation: 
Ibis Hotel at Geneva, 2 nights: CHF 340
Ibis Hotel at Zurich, 3 nights: CHF 360

Transportation:

Return flight tickets: £78/person (Easy Jet promotion, Gatwick Airport)

Public transportation in Geneva: Free for tourists! The free travel cards were provided by the hotel upon checkin.  You must be a hotel guest to be eligible for this card. Alternatively, a 1-day Geneva City pass for trams and train is CHF 9.

Train from Geneva to Zurich: CHF 82/person 

Public transportation in Zurich:  Zurich is bigger than Geneva and more to see. A single tram trip is CHF4.20. As we planned to hop on and off the trams several times a day, the 1-day city travel pass card for CHF 8.40 was more reasonable. Other options for the travel pass is The Zurich Card (CHF 24) valid within 24-hour  for trams, boats and train to the airport, 10% discounts at selected retails including souvenir shops, free entry for museums and train to Uetliberg hill top. 

Train from Zurich to Flumserberg (return day visit): CHF 52/person

Pocket money: 

Get some Suisse Franc (CHF) before reaching the airport. We got good exchange rate at  Bayswater (£1=CHF1.46). Rates offered at other places were Leicester Square (£1=1.41), St. Pancreas Station (£1=1.31) and the Gatwick Airport (£1=1.30). Some friends recommended money changers at Edgeware Road for better offers. We brought CHF300/person mainly to enjoy local food and to purchase attraction tickets (btw, a decent meal cost at least CHF10). We also brought £100 cash and activated credit cards in case of emergencies.

Luggage:

Easy Jet means only ONE hand luggage, and do take note that handbag/ rug sack is already considered as 1 bag. So, pack wisely.

The trip!

1) Day 1 (6/1/14): London to Geneva

We arrived at Geneva Airport at 1030am. The official language is French. The 2 hours flight from Gatwick was smooth and the weather was good. As we flew above Switzerland,  the mountain peaks covered in snow glittered under the sunshine. It was like 'Wow MasyaAllah..Beautiful!'

Where? Owh Grand du' Pre??

From Geneva Airport to the city center (Cornavin) was an easy 10minutes train. The train tickets were free from the ticket machine at the arrival hall and valid for 80 minutes inclusive of trams and buses in the city. So, we took the opportunity within this hour for the tram from the Cornavin station to Ibis hotel. We then learned that the hotel was just 5mins walking from the station. Anyway, the bags would have made it a tough walk up the hill. Then, after a quick check-in, the rest of day was spent exploring Geneva city by foot.

We purposely didn't use the public transport because the city was small and the weather was nice. We visited the The Old City and enjoyed Swiss Chocolates and drinks at the local cafes. The city was still in the mood of new year sale season so SOLDES..SOLDES everywhere!  Here are some of the photos.

The shopping street

One of the local cafes

Hot chocolate…yummy..MUST try!

Swiss chocolates! They are happy to inform
(when asked) the ones containing alcohol

One of the lanes in the Old City

Geneva at night

It was a pleasant walk around the city. Big clocks are almost at every corner of the city. The ones in the show cases were also wow..very sophisticatedly designed and expensive! We visited a few Swatch retails, they definetely  have more trendy designs than the ones in Oxford Street but price tags after conversion seems to be cheaper in London (Ooops!).

Day 2 (7/1/14): Mountain Blanc!

View from the peak

Mount Blanc is the highest mountain in the European union and the cable car to the peak is the highest vertical ascending cable car in the world! A must see they say and now we are echoeing the same 'A MUST SEE!' The view is so breathtaking and beautiful SubhanAllah. 

Mount Blanc is located in Chamonix, a small city in France at the border of Switzerland.  The cable car station to Mount Blanc is in Aiguille de Midi, Chamonix. The easiest and  fastest way to get there is approximately 1.5 hours journey by bus/coach.  We explored all possible options for the cheapest package. These are the standard options for the day trip package from Geneva to Mount Blanc:  

a) CHF 156/person: Return bus to Chamonix (CHF88) + Cable Car (CHF68). One of the best deal but during our visit, this package was only available in the weekends.

b) CHF 176/person: Return bus with tour guide to Chamonix (CHF111) + Cable Car (CHF68).  This package was offered daily, but it was abit expensive and the reviews from Trip Advisor was not satisfying.

So we worked out cheaper options and found out 2 other affordable choices. These options were available from the arrival hall at the airport using the airport transits to Aiguille de Midi and self purchase for the cable car ticket:

a) CHF 163/person: Airport transit coach to Chamonix (CHF95) + Cable car (CHF68). The coach took us straight to Aiguille de Midi cable car station.  We took this option because they offered a more frequent and flexible trip timetable. We departed at 1130 and booked return trip at 1800.

b) CHF 123/person: Airport transit coach to Chamonix (CHF55) + Cable car (CHF68). This was the cheapest option but the offered trip timetable was less flexible.

Scenery by the road side: Switzerland-France border

At Aiguille de Midi 

View from inside the cable car

1st stop

Final stop of the cable car. There is a lift to the peak

The peak

Some useful tips:

• Bring along your passport because you'll be crossing France border.
• Once you reach Chamonix, the currency is in Euro as it is part of France. Self-purchase of the cable care tickets is in Euro. 
• Have proper breakfast because you'll need the extra energy to cope with the excitement, the low temperature and higher altutitude level.  I personally felt dizzy and nauseated up there.
• Proper warm clothings. The cable car will stop at the the peak of 15671 ft above land, temperature of -5C and windy (this may be different in other seasons).
• Paracetamol and hot balm might be handy (just incase)
• Bring some own food like sandwhiches, snacks and drinks. However, there's a cafe and restaurant at the peak. We had a cup of hot chocolate each and shared a bowl of vege soup which cost a total of €18.
• Never pay cash to the coach/bus driver. All payments should only be made at the official counter for airport transit service.

Our day trip to Chamonix-Mount Blanc was a superb experience, and worth of every penny spent! We end the day with hot delicious meal at a Moroccan restaurant beside Ibis Hotel.

Day 3 (8/1/14) : Zurich!

Zurich is a 2 hour trip by train from Geneva Cornavin Station. We purchased the open train ticket and hopped on the non-stop journey straight to Zurich HB.  

Zurich

In Zurich the spoken language is German. Our best recommendation is to drop by the Tourist Information Centre (inside Zurich HB train station) for maps, list of attractions and discounts offers for tourists. The officers at the centre speak good English, friendly and very helpful!

We checked in Ibis Hotel at Techno park (pronounced as Tekhno Pak in German). The rest of the day was spent touring the city, understanding the tram routes, window shopping and  brisk walking by the river until sunset. The scenery was even more beautiful towards the evening...the night lights made the city looked like a fairy-tale city.

The river in the city!

A view of the Geneva Lake from the train to Zurich.

The view when the train passed Geneva Lake was

awesome! There is a 5 hours panoramic train 

that goes along the lake and pass by 

Montreaux, the country side.

As usual, maps and maps again

Along the Od City lanes

The Old City lanes

Zurich during sun set

We covered the city using the 1-day pass (CHF 8.40) and had dinner at a kebab shop near the hotel for CHF 10. Then we did some food shopping at the local grocery store 'COOP'. We have plenty of Maggi instant noodles and 3 in 1 Milo drinks :P

Day 4 (9/1/14): Day trip to Flumserberg from Zurich

Flumserberg is a 2hr train from Zurich city. It is a mountain area outside Zurich city, famous for winter sports e.g. ski, snow boarding and skating to name a few. From Zurich HB station, we exchanged at Ziegelbrucke to Unterterzen. Unterterzen is a few stops before Flums. It has the cable car station to the mountains. There are also buses to the top available at other stops, but we did not explore this option.

From Zurich HB to Ziegelbrucke

From Ziegelbrucke to Unterterzen

A view at Walensee Resort

When we exited the Unterterzen train station, we found ourselves surrounded by beautiful mountains and a big lake. WoW!! This is also part of Resort Walensee - a ski resort that also offers facilities to rent/sell ski equipments.

Excited faces

The cost for renting the ski equipments, ski instructor, the cable car to the skiing ground and the ski pass to the skiing area would add up to approximately CHF 100+/ person. That was about the balance we had for another day at Zurich LoL! So, skiing was out of the picture. Plus we were not confident enough to ski down from 2000m 'OMG'! However,  we manage to figure out other fun stuff to do - return trip cable car to Mountain Maschgenkamm at 2020m and experienced hot coffee surrounded by the scenic white mountain tops and skiers! Then, from there we rode back to Chruz and experience the 20 mins return lift. The lift was so much fun because it was like an open air chair up the mountain, Best Giler! All that for less than CHF 60.  

Flumserberg lower ground from the cable car

Maschgenkamm Mountain, 2020m

Steadyyy..careful, don't roll over. 10sec selfie

Hot coffee and chocolate cake on the mountain top
taste like extra caffeine and endorphin

The lift!!

One leg missing...hahaha!

We came down to the lower land feeling exhausted but very satisfied. A solid 4 hours well spent indeed!! At the Zurich HB station, before heading back to the hotel, we dropped by the Tourist Centre to purchase the Zurich Card (CHF 24) -  24hr travel ticket for the next day. As previously mentioned, this travel pass once activated is valid for 24hrs and covers all public transport within Zurich City including the boat, the train to the Uetliberg Hill, the airport, free pass to museums and 10% discounts at the souvenir shops and selected eateries. 

Day 5 (10/1/14): Uetliberg Hill, Museum and Local Food

A rainy day but we still wanted to make full use of the Zurich Card and maximise the last day here. We activated our Zurich Card at approximately 10am (this can be done by stamping the card at the ticket machines available at any tram stations, and valid for 24hrs). Despite of the non-stop rain, we visited the Uetliberg Hill, the National Swiss Museum, tasted local food, hunt for affordable souvenirs and Swiss Chocolates :)

Checking for weather forecast by the hour, what else
are free, where else to visit?? 

Train to Uetliberg Hill, 824m - the highest top of
Zurich city

What the eyes captured in the 10 mins walk to
the top of the hill

A view from the tower at Uetliberg

The Swiss Alps

Switzerland National Museum

Lunch at a local cafe

Enjoying Movenpick Ice-cream.
"This is soo good, never mind the camera"

Hmmm Yummm :)

Korek..Korek
Counting to the last Franc

Yippieee!!

In conclusion, Switzerland is so worth visiting. It is a beautiful country that I wished my eyes can capture pictures. How amazing Allah created this world, how magnificent the mountains are and how beautiful are Allah's creation SubhnaAllah. A good start for a new year! I hope more trips will follow soon, InsyaAllah ;)

Day 6 (11/1/14): Back to London

Okayyy that was a fun trip! Back to the thesis, assignments, publication articles and Yawwnnnnn all the etc that matters. Thanks for reading. I hope this entry would give some ideas for your trip to Switzerland!